So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
