I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
