I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
