At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It's shark week go big or go home
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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