In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize