my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
