I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You dont lie about slip and slides
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
that may or may not have been my penis.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
