you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
