Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
