No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize