I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
