My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
