I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
