I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Soap is not a condiment
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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