I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
