I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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