so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
why do cheetos always look like penises
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
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