Someone shit on the floor
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
