it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
