Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
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Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
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HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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