Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
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