Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
