i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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