She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
