i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
