my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
