thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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