Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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