at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He shit in the fireplace
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
