I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
