two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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