Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
