Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
