Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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