I just threw up on my dentist
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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