I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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