you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Woke up backwards on a recliner
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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