Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(863): View more from Florida

UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.

(863): View more from Florida

Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

At least you don't cum in color.

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(863): UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground. (863): Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine. (321): At least you don't cum in color. http://tfl.nu/1kue

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(415): View more from California

The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.

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(415): The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now. http://tfl.nu/v0wm

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.

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(402): Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for. http://tfl.nu/14r7

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(551): View more from New Jersey

Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK

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(551): Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK http://tfl.nu/f4xz

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.

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(609): i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you. http://tfl.nu/fon6

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(209): View more from California

come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground

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(209): come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground http://tfl.nu/qcj8

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(813): View more from Florida

It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"

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(813): It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman" http://tfl.nu/5ocz

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(859): View more from Kentucky

He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.

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(859): He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants. http://tfl.nu/r14o

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(319): View more from Iowa

Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable

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(319): Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable http://tfl.nu/cclu

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(817): View more from Texas

I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.

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(817): I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening. http://tfl.nu/xhys

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(303): View more from Colorado

exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".

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(303): exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake". http://tfl.nu/t5lj

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(260): View more from Indiana

She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now

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(260): She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now http://tfl.nu/3rta

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Big girls don't cry they get day drunk

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(479): Big girls don't cry they get day drunk http://tfl.nu/o4rn

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(905): View more from Ontario

And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.

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(905): And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced. http://tfl.nu/b7p5

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(801): View more from Utah

It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).

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(801): It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word). http://tfl.nu/10dp

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