So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
