i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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