That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
