I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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