I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
