I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
