My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
