I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
