I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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