I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
