Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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