it was like his penis was on wheels.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
