So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
