they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
