Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
