I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
