i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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