grandma shit on top of the toilet
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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