I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
